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[18 Nov 2008|07:43pm]
So I went shopping today, and came away with no new clothes. What's with stores and their sucky plus sized clothing options? First I went to Lane Bryant, which is a store just for large sizes and I couldn't find anything. Last year they reorganized their jeans sizing, instead of the usual 12, 14, 16 etc they have 5 levels and 3 color codes - really, was this necessary? Today I found out they did the same with their dress pants, so instead of going in and grabbing pants in my size I have to deal with whether I want a 4 or a 5 or whatever in red, yellow or blue. Of course I would have to be measured by one of their clerks (which I did actually do when I wanted a pair of jeans last year and the chick was totally off in her estimation - none of the options fit me so the sizing totally changed). Sorry, not interested in that. They advertise how easy this makes it to find the right size - what bullshit. Hopefully they'll get their heads out of their asses soon enough and switch everything back - why do they think it makes sense for one store to have such different sizing? Nothing else I tried on fit either, I don't get the plunging necklines and see through fabrics - for $50 I expect some fabric to be used!And yes, since I'm fat I have big breasts but that doesn't mean I want a v-line down to my belly button ffs.

Then I went to JCPenney's next door which was just as disappointing. They did have larger sized mannikins though, which I thought was cool, but the majority of clothes was only in 1X and the sizes were off. Most ran small, and then a few were just wacky. Also, one of their in store brands was called ANA (a new approach, which I thought hilarious). I was ready to spend at least $300 on new clothes - too bad those shits didn't want my money.

[12 Nov 2008|07:32pm]
Recently I went to the doctor to talk about why I'm not losing weight. This was seriously a big thing for me as I've never spoken with a proffesional about getting help.

A complete waste of time, money, and energy.

All I got basically was a 25 minute spiel about how I'd lose weight if I only would eat healthy. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and never skip it blah blah blah. Eat lots of vegetables and no fast food. No shit, really???? I sat there, nodding my head, wishing I'd never come, and thinking ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I come in seeking help for a serious problem and I get shitty advice I can find on any ana lj comm? Not to mention that I already knew that stuff and used to spend hours each day planning and scheduling my calorie intake and exercise regiment.

I felt very depressed about the meeting, heartbroken. What a waste. I should have known better than to put my hopes on anyone other than myself.

[13 Apr 2008|11:39am]
workout 04/11/08: 411 calories burned

workout 04/09/08: 424 calories burned

[09 Apr 2008|10:34am]
workout 04/08/08: 339 calories burned

[27 Mar 2008|08:45am]
workout 03/26/08: 287 calories burned

[26 Mar 2008|09:08am]
workout 03/25/08: 320 calories burned

[25 Mar 2008|09:32am]
workout 03/24/08: 285 calories burned

[23 Mar 2008|06:26pm]
I think I'm at a turning point.

More to come?

[23 Sep 2007|10:03am]
Well, I'm still here. Still... alive, so I guess that's a good thing. I feel like I've given up the fight though, and am feeling a bit lost without the critical ED voice constantly nagging at me to count those calories, not eat, and exercise til I pass out. Some mornings when I brush my teeth I look at the toothbrush and remember how easy it was to purge, and then have to fight that gag reflex. I don't remember how awful purging made me feel afterward, how jittery I became from the diet pills (not too mention the credit card debt I racked up from them!), or how freakish I felt obessing about every calorie and researching (RESEARCHING!) snacks and meals in advance on the internet so I could provide a front to all that I was eating like a normal person.

Whatever that was, it was an empty and unhealthy life and I'm still working on recoverying from that.

still here [24 Jun 2006|06:07pm]
I'm so horny right now that I would literally fuck the first penis that came along. I must be ovulating or something and my body really wants to make a baby. I'm also craving chocolate is a mega bad way. Ug. So any naked man dipped in chocolate would be more than welcome right now.

update: progress or congress? [13 Mar 2006|05:15pm]
I haven't used any diet drugs all year, for probably 4 months. What a waste of money that BS is. I'm also leaving most of the ed comms I'm in, so much of the conversations there are vapid wannabees looking for validation. It's the same questions over and over: Can I lose 80 pounds in 2 weeks? I need tips on how to starve myself! I ate a grape today, am I going to gain weight? Blah, blah, blah. Don't get me wrong, there are people with serious questions and sad situations going on, but the babble outweighs them. Maybe I've become jaded, I can remember a time when I was so gung-ho about forcing myelf to lose weight and it was like a religion to me. I'm at a point right now where I've seen and read everything, and tried nearly all of it. Starvation, purging, pills (god, the money I blew on them!), laxatives, excessive exercise, green tea diet, slim-fast, low-carb diet and a dozen other kinds of diets, master cleanses and who knows what else.

I used to weigh myself two-three-four times a day and would become so obsessed if I didn't I couldn't focus on anything else until I stepped on the scale. And of course there were rules and a whole, complicated process I created for weighing in. The first time had to be done immediately in the morning before I ate or drank anything, this was the "official" weight record for the day which I wrote in my thinspiration notebook. I have daily weights going back 3 years, ug. So sad.

Am I thin today? Hell no. Am I happy or satisfied with my weight? Hell no. Am I going to continue with hurtful practices? Hell no. I'm going to just go on.

my year so far [13 Jan 2006|08:29am]
[ mood | accomplished/angry ]

I've done really well so far this year, although I can't tell if it's made any difference. A rule I made for myself (not one of my resolutions though) was that I wasn't going to step on the scale every day. Only twice a month - the 15th and last day. I step on the scale on Sunday, and I really hope I see some improvement. A couple of resolutions I made for 2006 was not to eat out more than once a week and to go to the gym at least 3 times every week. I've brought my lunches to work every day and actually haven't eaten out (fast food or sit down restaurant) at all. I'll probably have pizza tonight since I'm going over to my familiy's house, but I'm pretty happy. I've also worked out 3 times a week both weeks of this month, even though I really had to push myself to go because there were times when I was dreading it. Especially this Tuesday. I went Monday and was doing my usual on the elliptical machine and when I was done I passed this guy sitting on one of the bikes. He turned to me and said "So your done with that machine finally?" He didn't say it in a super snotty tone or anything, but it was still uncalled for. I just nodded. I really started to get angry - livid even - in the lockerroom. How dare he? I'd been on that machine for exactly 30 minuets - not exactly hogging it. There are only 2 ellipticals, and the other one was taken by a guy who started the same time as I, and he was still on it, there was no one else in the place. Furthermore, the gym has plenty of machines - recumbent and regular bikes, stiar climbers, treadmills, plus free weights and machines. Passive aggressive me glared him down as I left, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wish I had the balls to same something to him, just to wipe the self-satisfied smirk off his ugly, and balding head. Honestly, I couldn't get it out of my mind, and obviously it's still bothering me and I'm having a hard time letting go of it. Tuesday I felt really intimidated and hesitant about going, all day I made excuses but I had commitments Monday and Friday so I *had* to workout Mon, Tues and Wed to make my 3 days. I didn't see that man, but I've found it's best to come early in the afternoon (around 3) because there's not many people working out. I try to get to work as early as I can so I can leave. With skany mofos like him is it any wonder why I shun people? And maybe more overweight people would go to the gym to workout and lose the weight if they didn't have to put up with people like him. Also, for some reason, lj won't let me divide my paragrapsh... very irritating!

a new year a new beginning [01 Jan 2006|12:34am]
Hmmm. A few weeks ago I gave blood, and as I was resting afterwards drinking my cranberry juice and nibbling on my snack this helper woman comes over and says to me out of the blue "You look just like that actress on the Practice!"

Now, I get all giggly and smiley because no one's ever compared me to any actress before and I'm not familiar with that show. I shake my head no, and she keeps going on and on about how she just can't believe it and I look exactly like her except I'm blonde. Then it hits me. She's thinking of Camryn Manheim. As soon as I realize I cringe (although I don't think she noticed she was so engrossed in her own talking) and withdrew. I mean, yes, CM s a pretty good actress and when I think of her the words pretty (in a fat way) and a forceful actress (in a fat way) come to mind. There's also something else though, what was it? Oh yes FAT. Um... thanks? Do all fatties look the same? Or is it just because there's so few prominent fat actresses/celebrities out there to be compared to?

Oh well. Here's to 2006.

daily weigh-ins [13 Dec 2005|10:10am]
12/13: 248.50
12/12: 248.50
12/11: 250.00

[10 Dec 2005|10:15am]
12/10: 250
12/09: 250
12/08: 250
12/07: 247.5

Sorry, we don't want your fatty money [16 Nov 2005|11:45am]
[ mood | depressed and pissed ]

I just got back from marshall fields, looking for both a lightweight jacket (in the currently trendy riding cut style that's everywhere) and a winter coat, but came away empty handed. Apparently department stores and fashion designers think anyone above size XL don't deserve to be warm - maybe hoping all the fatties will freeze to death so as not to offend the eyes. Well, MF lost my $200 today although I don't want to go look at Lane Bryant. There weren't even any fugly plus sized coats that even my grandmother wouldn't wear - nothing! It's currently 18 degrees outside - I guess I need to either starve myself or suffer the cold.

wasted [16 Nov 2005|11:04am]
In April I requested Wasted from my library and my turn in line finally arrived yesterday. I hear so much about it in ED forums, it seemed to be revered as nearly holy scripture. I began reading it this morning on my bus commute to work, and I understand why. It's very difficult to write any type of memoir or book on the subject of anorexia and bulimia without it being used as a lesson plan or DIY manual, even if the intent is to warn others about how screwed up eating disorders are and how much suffering the body goes through. Followers (or wannabees) and people already entrenched in their own EDs blindly ignore the warnings - I certainly am not going to stop my unhealthy body concept and freaky eating habits even though I became so engrossed in Mayra's story this morning that my ride went by in a flash. I can't change just by reading a book, although it's helpful/encouraging to read someone else who had/has the same thoughts running through her head (but similar to all other ED recovery books I've read). It's something that never goes away.

I started writing a book a few weeks ago, and the central character is developing an ED (semi-autobiographal on how my own came about - write what you know ya know?). It's flighty chick lit though, so she'll recover nicely and probably end up with a cute man. The End. If only real life was so easy to edit and wrap up!

every day the same [11 Nov 2005|09:47pm]
I've been trying to work out, but there's a creepy guy at my apartment's fitness center (if you can call a small room with 1 tredmill, a broken exercise bike and a couple free weights a fitness center). Every single time I go there he shows up, I think he's obsessed with running. I get there first and already on the tredmill, so he pouts in the corner, stretching and doing yoga poses for a minute at a time - all the while staring at me. Well, his crazy psych trick works and he gets what he wants. I leave. Honestly, between the two of us I obviously need the workout more, and I hate that I let people so easily intimidate me. Next month I'm joining the gym at work, and I cross my fingers that they have enough fucking elliptical machines for everyone.

drifting [08 Oct 2005|05:17pm]
Every time I start a post I give up and delete after a few sentences. Eh. I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks and haven't stepped on the scale in longer. I feel immense, but what's different?

Lately, it seems every place I go shopping I'm followed by obese people riding around the store in those carts. In most cases, there's nothing physically wrong with these people other than their weight. Of course they could all have heart problems or something that prevents them from making a half-hour walking trip around the grocery store.... but come on. The problem is that they are fat, each person was over 300. The last woman I saw waddled into Target in front of me and demanded one of the store's motor scooters for free. Like it was her right or something.

I don't want to end up like that. It's disgusting.

242.0 [16 Aug 2005|06:51am]
Wow, I'm a little impressed. 3.5 pounds since Sunday. I forgot my dp this morning though, I'm kicking myself over it. I walked down to Walgreens to buy a new bottle but they weren't open.

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